Winds of Change

I went for a walk today for the first time in months. It felt exhilarating to get outside without having to bundle myself up for a Polar expedition. Despite the warmer temperatures the walk wasn’t as simple or peaceful as I had hoped it would be when I watched my neighbours walking their dogs past my window. The sidewalks were strewn with ice or puddles, sometimes even combinations of the two, which made walking a bit difficult. For some stretches of my walk the wind was bitterly cold making me second guess the wisdom of coming outside. Was it too soon? Should I have waited a few more weeks before venturing out into the world?

Like my walk there are times when life is pleasant and easy but we can’t walk in the same direction forever. Even if we did, the wind can change directions unexpectedly and change everything. The change isn’t always a bad thing. It can encourage us to take a path we hadn’t planned on, or help push us forward when we are slowing down. Sometimes it even brings a refreshing coolness when we need it most.

I thought I had gone out prepared, wearing my oh-so-fashionable green rubber boots, wind-proof black jacket and stretchy gloves that could be stashed easily in a pocket if I didn’t need them. Could I have been better prepared? Probably but that doesn’t mean that tomorrow I can’t do better. Add some extra layers, plan for a few more contingencies.

It also doesn’t change the fact that today I returned from my walk feeling positive despite the difficulties. Life, like the wind, is not static. It is full of changes – some pleasant, some not. You can try to anticipate and plan for some of them but others come unexpectedly and you just need to learn to adapt. Eventually you will turn a corner or the wind will change on its own and you will find that everything has changed along with it. The walking becomes easier and you start looking forward to seeing what is waiting around the next corner.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

In my high school typing class we had to type to music. Feet flat! Wrists up! Now Type! It was supposed to increase our speed and accuracy. I have to wonder if maybe there was more to it than that. There is something almost musical about the sound of the keys as you type.

I enjoy writing longhand but there is something special when I do my writing right on the computer. Perhaps it’s because I can type faster than I can write so my thoughts can flow more easily. Perhaps it is the sound of the keys themselves. The rhythm allows me to slip into a meditative state by focussing on the rhythm which lets the thoughts come more easily. Most likely it’s the combination of the two.

Whatever it is, I feel powerful when I type. When I place my hands on the keyboard of my computer I feel a surge of power run through my palms and into my fingertips. I get a thrill just under my ribcage and my breathing speeds up ever so slightly. I wonder if this is how musicians feel.

I always wanted to learn the piano but never did. I was never quite coordinated enough to get hands, feet, eyes, ears and brain working together. Somehow, when I type (read: write) I have managed to get fingers and brain to work together. When I hit my stride and the words are flowing, something magical happens. I realize now that this is my real instrument.

Baptism

Today I went for a walk, hoping to clear my mind. On the way home I came across a family on their bikes. We were moving at a similar pace since they had a couple of children, one being towed behind the father, the older daughter – probably about 4 years old – riding her little pink bike. For the remainder of the Lyndale stretch they were within eyesight and earshot.

Lyndale Drive is closed to thru-traffic on Sundays and holidays so every time a car approached the father would weave across the road with his bike to prevent them from passing, encouraging his wife and daughter to do the same. When the car finally did pass he would yell at the driver. I found myself getting drawn into the unfolding drama. Whatever calm I had gained during the earlier part of my walk was lost. It was like a poison entering my system. I could feel negativity building in my entire body. I started composing a lecture in my head, reprimanding him for putting his family in danger simply to make a point.

Instead, I turned off at the next cross-street while they continued on straight. They were out of site but the I could still feel the negativity pumping through my veins. At that point, the previously blue sky opened up and it began to pour. Despite the fact that I was completely soaked, I felt cleansed and happier than I had in days; all of my negativity washed away. Remember the feeling of running through the sprinkler on a really hot summer day; the sheer delight at getting completely soaked? That’s what I felt walking home in the rain today.

Power Cut

It seems like a silly thing but a good haircut can make all the difference sometimes. In fact, most women I know end up getting a haircut at the major junctions in their lives – after a break up, after a wedding, after graduation, when looking for a job, after having a baby. So what is so important about a haircut? I suppose part of it is the “look good, feel better” concept but, really, it’s more symbolic than that. The new cut represents the changes you’re making in your life. There is a sense of relief as the weight of the hair is cut off. It is an opportunity to start fresh by letting go of the old and embracing a new future.

So last night I took scissors in hand and cut my hair. For me, the change had a lot do with why I had been letting my hair grow in the first place – none of the reasons being the right ones. So pulling out the scissors was a way of taking the control back.

The cut itself isn’t perfect, of course, but it gave me back a sense of strength and control that had been slipping away every time I looked in the mirror. Now I look like me again. My outside matches my inside – not perfect but taking shape.

Leap of Faith

Have you ever driven in the fog? It is a disconcerting feeling because suddenly the world around you disappears and you feel completely alone. Even when you’re in familiar surroundings you can become disoriented and lose your way. Eventually, though, you make it through and your path becomes clear again. You discover that you’re not alone and that the things that seemed out of reach are right there in front of you.

That is the kind of week I had. I started Monday morning in the fog – lost, scared and alone. As the day progressed something unexpected happened. Like hearing other voices calling out to me in the fog, I started to receive positive feedback, encouragement and support. I even got a few job offers. I realized that I wasn’t alone in the fog and I wasn’t scared anymore.

I went from feeling disappointment to acceptance to, finally, embracing the situation as an opportunity to make some positive changes in my career. Once I had reached that point, the situation took another unexpected turn. I stepped out of the fog and the path in front of me became visible again. I’ve been given the opportunity to reinvent myself with a position tailor made for me and I don’t have to leave my familiar surroundings.

Sometimes when you’re in the fog it feels like you are moving forward when in reality you’re going in circles. Sometimes the opposite is true and when you feel like you’re moving backwards you’re really moving closer to the destination. That was the case with my situation. I took a leap of faith and trusted that the steps I was taking would lead me forward even though I couldn’t see the way.

So even though the path itself didn’t really change, the perspective I gained from coming through the fog has changed everything. I have no doubt that the next few months be difficult but I’m excited to face the new challenges that lay ahead.

Seeds of Change

I think I know how Jack felt holding those beans in his hand and wondering if they were really magic or if he had been the worst kind of fool. I think we all have momets like that. Moments where we hold the seeds of our future in our hands and wonder what they will really grow into.

The thing with seeds, just like potential, is that they don't do anything until you plant them. Sometimes they don't grow at all. Sometimes they grow into a weak plant that never produces fruit. And sometimes they grow into a magnificent beanstalk.

Today I planted a seed and I have no idea what it will do. Maybe I've planted the seed for a positive change. Or maybe I've just planted the seed of doubt. Now all I can really do is wait and see what it grows into.

Going for Gold

In junior high I was on the track team and I could run like nobody’s business; for 100 meters, at least. It was like opening a tap and letting the water come gushing out. Every fear, all of my anger could get thrown into that short burst of energy. In the end I felt exhausted and exhilarated all at the same time.

I used to beat myself up because I was a sprinter instead of a distance runner. I compared myself to my sister and criticized myself for my lack of stamina. I saw it as some kind of character flaw. Now I’m looking at things from a different perspective. The fact that my race was only 100 meters allowed me to put all of myself into it every time and find reserves I didn’t know I had by pushing myself to the breaking point. Then when it became too much to physically bear, it was over. I was free to rebuild my strength, work on my technique and prepare for the next race.

Since I started this writing challenge I've been comparing myself to my friends and beating myself up over the fact that I can't sustain my writing for long stretches at a time. I finally saw today that that is a mistake. We all have a process and, like our personalities, they’re all very different. The trick is discovering and accepting my process instead of comparing it to everyone else’s.

How can I find the best way to use my process to get the best results? I need to work with my natural rhythm instead of fighting it. I’m not a distance writer any more than I was a disctance runner and that's ok. Each sprint takes me closer to the gold. By writing in short bursts, I allow myself to dig deep, get to the emotions, keep the spirit of the scene real and believable because I’m living each scene as I’m writing it. To do that takes a huge amount of energy. Energy that needs to be rebuilt before I can move on to the next scene.

This month hasn't been easy and strangely this last week is turning out to be one of the hardest. In the homestretch of a sprint, I always managed to find some hidden strength to get me to the finish line. This month is no different. Discovering, and accepting, my writing process is that hidden stregth that I needed.