Last week I watched two of my friends declare their love and commitment to each other. It was a beautiful sight because the genuine love they feel for each other was obvious. There are some weddings that make me wonder why the couple is even getting married. They seem so miserable together which makes me ask why does anyone get married? Is it really possible to stay in love with the same person forever? Is love even what marriage is really about? Watching Sean and Silvy reminded me that love, passion, friendship, commitment and compatibility are not only possible, they are what we should be striving for. It's not too much to want it all. Is marriage easy? Of course not, that's not really the point. True love is not completely effortless - no relationship is - but with the right person we are willing and happy to put in the effort to maintain our connection. The wedding is our declaration that that I choose you to make the journey with, to grow and change with, despite the hardships that will come, despite the fear that I feel, you are worth the effort and the risk.
The human spirit has a large capacity for denial. We can go through life ignoring the doubts and warnings nagging at the back of our minds for a very long time but eventually something comes along that shines a light on those hidden doubts. Once the doubts are illuminated, it is difficult to continue ignoring them and things fall apart pretty quickly after that. Weddings are often a catalyst for this process; I've seen it many times over the years. There is a rash of break-ups after every wedding. Watching someone else declare their love and commitment to each other makes us pause and ask ourselves, do I have that?
My brother-in-law has told me many times over the years that no one should settle; hold out for the whole package, it is possible. But at what point do you admit that someone is not the right person for you? Giving up too quickly is not the answer but hanging on beyond that point isn't either. It's a tricky balance but if I'm asking myself the question often, chances are good that I already know the answer. The more important question to ask myself right now is, if I'm not willing to settle what am I going to do about it?
Hey Nicole,
ReplyDeleteSean himself here.
I agree with what you are saying. Even though Silver and I love each other very much, there were a number of hurdles to overcome emotionally on my part to get there. "Damaged goods" as I was, it took a lot of thought, kicks in the pants, a few epiphanies to get there.
Love is not easy. Anyone can fall in love. There is just a level of maturity required by both parties, a level of patience, knowing that it is hard work, knowing that it isn't perfect.
I was not ready when I met Silvy. When I had asked her to marry me was not the moment I knew I loved her, because I loved her very early on. I was the moment I knew I could be mature enough to pull this off. It was the moment I knew I could be selfless.
So on that day, I knew I loved her and that I COULD love her.
Nicole, I totally agree. Love is a lot of work. I don't believe there is the "total package" for anyone, its about some compromise and appreciating the differnces in people. I'm not saying I "settled", as it was a "growing" experience together.
ReplyDeleteThe "perfect couple" develops over time, and gets stronger and stronger. If the initial honeymoon was strong, it will only get stronger as history and committment compliments themselves.
Rob F