Epiphanies

It was my birthday last week. For me, birthdays are the point at which I look back on the year and reflect and sometimes even make resolutions, not New Year's. This year has been quite different than most. It has been a year of change, which is not something I generally enjoy. Despite the fact that all of this change has been difficult I feel that this has been one of the most important years of my life.

The journey began with last year's birthday reflections. I had no choice but to admit to myself how unhappy I was with my life. My job had taken over and was slowly killing me. That probably sounds melodramatic but I was neglecting myself and my health was beginning to truly suffer. I wasn't able to look at anything with a realistic perspective and felt terrified, desperate and trapped. It took two more months to finally take action and I was only able to do that once the doctor stepped in as the voice of reason.

Initially, going on stress leave made me feel like a failure. Now I think it was the best decision I've ever made. Stepping out of that situation for 6 weeks allowed me to step back and see my life with a little distance. Up until then, I blamed a lot of other people for the way my life had turned out. I now realize my own role in the situation. Yes, there were many times when other people treated me badly. However, what I came to understand is that it's up to me to set limits on what treatment I will accept. I had gotten to such a low point where I didn't believe that I deserved to be treated with respect and consideration so I didn't demand it.

It was at that point that I had my real epiphany: I had been using my job as an excuse to hide from my life. Once I was able to take responsibility for my role in my work situation I started to look at my entire life with new eyes.

I had claimed for years that I didn't care if I was single for the rest of my life. In one sense that's true, I feel that I'm finally at a point where I like myself and I don't need anyone else to fill in the gaps. But when I'm brutally honest I know that I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't need someone else, but I want someone else to share my life with. I had used being busy with work as the excuse for not meeting someone but in reality I had purposely avoided all situations that could possibly have led me to meeting someone.

I have begun dating again. In fact, I've dated more in the last 9 months than I ever have in my life. It has been a tumultuous journey, to say the least, and I'm sure that it will continue to be. I'll admit that I have moments of impatience with the process. Now that I've finally made the decision to rejoin the world and look for love I would like it to be here right now. After years of disuse, my dating skills are still a little rusty so I guess I should give myself time. I'm trying to remind myself that love doesn't have a schedule or an expiry date. Love will come when it's supposed to. I just need to be sure that I am taking the proper care of myself so that I'm ready for it when it does.