The past has an interesting way of coming back to haunt you when you least expect it. And yet...I have to wonder if the timing isn't more than just mere coincidence. Lately, a lot of so-called ancient history has been coming to the surface. Just because they were forgotten (well, almost forgotten) doesn't mean the wounds were healed. Scar tissue had formed around them to protect me from the pain but the wounds were still there.
Being in a new relationship has naturally brought up some of these old wounds. This week though, things got a lot spookier. It hasn't just been memories that have come to the surface; the actual ghost who inflicted many of these wounds has reappeared after a decade with an apology. I had convinced myself that I didn't need it but here it is anyway; the words I never expected to hear: I'm sorry.
The fact that it has come now when I am in the midst of an identity crisis brought on, in part by the resurfacing memories of this past pain, must be meaningful. Where does it leave me? I'm not sure but hopefully I'm one step closer to living my life for myself instead of trying to prove someone else wrong.
Nicole, your Blog is powerful, deep, and reminds me of a snapshot in my past. I had some "ghosts" too, and am still waiting to hear "I'm sorry" from someone, although it will never happen. I totally get what you're writing.
ReplyDeleteI was unaware that you had cut yourself short of lifes pleasures. I know, been there myself. Then one day, it was like *poof* -- forget it, its my life, and taking control of it. I know others have it much more complicated than myself, and I thank my lucky stars that I'm not in their shoes (as selfish as that is) but to live with a cloud over one's head without it ever raining (to get over it) and have that sunny day again was simply too much to bear.
The next morning, I started new (good) habits, one step at a time. I told my boss that I was the boss of my time, not him. He was surprized, but productivity jumped. Then, to prove that I was in control, when things were great, I left. I told him I was getting bored. He wanted me to reconsider. Forget it, I am in control.
I started to get active again, and attempted the Manitoba Marathon this year, but I didn't do too well. You know what? Who cares!!! I did what I wanted to do!
Always be in control of your destiny. No regrets. Ever.
Now, when my kids feel terrible like the world is going to end, I always tell them at night "Don't worry, tomorrow is a brand new day!" Sounds retarded, but its so true.
Nic, I'd like to meet with you for coffee. You're such a great person, and I miss our fun friendship that we had in the later part of high-school. It would be nice to reconnect as friends again!
Send me an email through Facebook, okay?
Thanks, I really look forward hearing from you!
Rob F, Lorette.
Wow, Nicole....you write beautifully! I had no idea you were able to put a pen to your thoughts this way. Way to go! And I'm happy for you that you actually got to hear those 2 little words that we all hope for in our heart-of-hearts, but rarely hear (I'm sorry). I heard them as well from 2 exes and it's a memorable moment when that occurs. Doesn't erase any of the past pain but it is good to see that the other person finally gets it. xo Monica
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