Acceptance

"Time heals all wounds". Those words are meant to comfort but the truth in them has often wounded me as much as the initial loss. There were days when I didn't even think of you and other days when I had the nerve to be happy, even though you are gone. Once I realized it, guilt stole those moments away from me. Somehow, it seemed like a betrayal or disloyalty for me to, not only continue living without you, but to thrive without you.

They say that acceptance is the final stage of grief. I realize now that acceptance is not just a matter of accepting that someone is dead but accepting that you are allowed to be happy without them. A few months ago, someone gave me a quote that finally makes sense to me. "There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept; things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Yesterday I realized that I had achieved that acceptance. Now, instead of feeling guilty about my happiness, I am offering it up to you as a gift. A gift of gratitude that I had the opportunity to know true friendship and now have an opportunity to love again, even more deeply.

Connections

This week has been unusually busy and I'm exhausted from the effort of being sociable. While I'm generally a friendly person, making new, and lasting, connections doesn't always come easily. There is a side of me that wants to just give up and run away from the prospect of cultivating more relationships.

I know that relationships take effort to cultivate and maintain. I truly get excited about the prospect of forming a deep connection with someone. Where I can continually peel back the layers and learn something new about them while being being surrounded by the comfort of their familiarity.

So, despite the temptation to cut myself off from the new people in my life and just maintain the relationships I already have, I have been putting in the effort. Will all of them pan out into lasting relationships? Who knows, maybe not. Maybe that's not the point. Maybe making the effort despite the risk is the point.