Going for Gold

In junior high I was on the track team and I could run like nobody’s business; for 100 meters, at least. It was like opening a tap and letting the water come gushing out. Every fear, all of my anger could get thrown into that short burst of energy. In the end I felt exhausted and exhilarated all at the same time.

I used to beat myself up because I was a sprinter instead of a distance runner. I compared myself to my sister and criticized myself for my lack of stamina. I saw it as some kind of character flaw. Now I’m looking at things from a different perspective. The fact that my race was only 100 meters allowed me to put all of myself into it every time and find reserves I didn’t know I had by pushing myself to the breaking point. Then when it became too much to physically bear, it was over. I was free to rebuild my strength, work on my technique and prepare for the next race.

Since I started this writing challenge I've been comparing myself to my friends and beating myself up over the fact that I can't sustain my writing for long stretches at a time. I finally saw today that that is a mistake. We all have a process and, like our personalities, they’re all very different. The trick is discovering and accepting my process instead of comparing it to everyone else’s.

How can I find the best way to use my process to get the best results? I need to work with my natural rhythm instead of fighting it. I’m not a distance writer any more than I was a disctance runner and that's ok. Each sprint takes me closer to the gold. By writing in short bursts, I allow myself to dig deep, get to the emotions, keep the spirit of the scene real and believable because I’m living each scene as I’m writing it. To do that takes a huge amount of energy. Energy that needs to be rebuilt before I can move on to the next scene.

This month hasn't been easy and strangely this last week is turning out to be one of the hardest. In the homestretch of a sprint, I always managed to find some hidden strength to get me to the finish line. This month is no different. Discovering, and accepting, my writing process is that hidden stregth that I needed.

Pass the Salt

A few years ago I switched to natural peanut butter. It was not an easy transition because, at first, I found it dry and flavourless. In our culture, we rely very heavily on salt. Far too often, instead of noticing the natural flavours of food we are only interested in tasting the salt.

Love, is a lot like that. We have become so dependent on the fantasy that we’ve lost the taste for the real thing. Have we let our fantasy of love drown out the real experience? Is that what we’re really mourning when we end a relationship? Are we mourning the loss of the other person or are we mourning the loss of the fantasy we have built in our heads?

Lately, I have this nagging doubt that I have thrown away something special simply because it wasn’t quite living up to the fantasy. But why does love have to follow the prescribed path that society has chosen? We generalize about human behaviour and read meanings into certain actions – or lack of action – which may not be based in any truth. We can never truly know another person, so why do we presume to think that we know what their actions mean? Every relationship, like the people who create it, is unique. By judging our relationships on generalizations, are we limiting ourselves to a stunted experience? Are we once again we depending on the salt for the flavour instead of the reality?

I don’t advocate a total elimination of salt from your life. In fact, the human body needs a certain amount to survive. A little salt can serve to enhance the natural flavour but too much drowns it out completely. I’ve learned to like the taste of the natural peanut butter but sometimes I still need to add a pinch of salt. I hope that I can learn to better appreciate the natural flavours of love but I think it’s human nature to need a little fantasy once in a while.

In Repair

Have you ever listened to a song that you’ve heard a hundred times and suddenly felt like you're hearing it for the first time?

“I am in repair. I’m not together but I’m getting there”.

Those are the lyrics to a John Mayer song and they seem to be speaking about me. Lately, life has been a bit of a struggle but in the last week I feel like there has been a shift. Sunday was the first day of the 50,000 word challenge and I’ve thrown myself into it with an enthusiasm that I haven’t had in years. This has inspired me to push myself other areas as well. I have worked out every morning this week, which I haven’t done in months. I’ve even been washing the dishes every day and anyone who knows me well knows what a telling indicator that is of my mental health.

The writing itself is not going well. To be honest, the book is a load of crap at this point. I hate the characters and the plot and am only writing this story for lack of a more inspired idea but I’m trying to take the advice of the NaNoWriMo organizers to heart and just keep writing. Hopefully at some point in the next few weeks the words will take on a life of their own and the characters and plot will develop into something worth keeping.

Really, writing is not that different from life. Sometimes you just need to keep plodding on even when it seems like a load of crap and trust that at some point things will change for the better. Sub-plots and new characters that you never anticipated will suddenly find their way into your story. So I’ve started a new chapter in my story and I’m not sure what’s going to happen next but I’m looking forward to finding out.